The Reboot

             I haven't had much to process with the outer world since I started a relationship with my wife back in 2010. It's funny to me because I used to write all the time. Functionally, it was a great way to process the day-to-day, but who knew? Turns out I only wrote in the hopes to get attention from girls who maybe, just maybe, followed my blog… That reality seems both distant and sad to me now.

             Writing isn't the only hobby that went by the wayside after taking the plunge, either. No, all sorts of interests had the carpet pulled from under them to reveal, unbeknownst to me, their hidden primary motivation - attention seeking, from women specifically. Here's a list of all of the pass-times that aren't remotely as interesting in and of themselves to me now as they used to be, largely because, as it happens, I was using them as a vehicle to hopefully, nay, desperately, get women to pay attention to me:

•        Writing (both blogs and music).
•        Playing guitar.
•     Singing.
•        Listening to/keeping up with music.
•        Working out.
•        Social engagements with groups larger than 5 people.
•        Current events.
•        Social media.
•        Figuring out where I stand on current issues.

Now, I want to reiterate that this list is not a judgment of the value of any of these activities.  I definitely reaped many of the inherent benefits associated with each activity, even if I was only invested primarily for basic lonely reasons. It just makes me a little bit sad. Aside from being more invested in social media, to look at this list now and know that I didn't actually have my whole heart in it leaves me feeling like I missed out on what could have been a more fulfilling lifestyle. I was misguided by my observation of how the world seemed to work. Deep in my subconscious, I believed that these activities hid my faults and made me a better idea to other people. They didn’t. It's ironic that had I been more earnestly engaged in what interested me, I probably would have been more widely liked. And that's not to say that I wasn't liked, but generally people who liked me also had to muster a sort of tolerance for me as well.

Thankfully, however, that list isn't the full resolve. I didn't just pop up after years of silence to publicly judge my younger self for not having the self-awareness to be more intentional. Today there isn't a dark void where all of those activities used to live. Instead, there exists a prolific rebirth that could, for me, only be forged out of a chosen dedication to my wife and family. Scoff if you must all you highly self-aware super independent single folk, but the result for me has been a growing intrinsic and fulfilling interest in the world around me versus interests for the sake of acceptance. I've found that I have what I need in my wife, my step-kids, my son, and myself. So here's the list of what interests/inspires me now:

•         Hanging out with smaller groups of people that don't need me to work for their approval.
•         Making hand-cut dove tails, even though mine never fit together very well.
•         Creatively maximizing the space in our house, facing all of the challenges and puzzles of           renovation specifically by myself.
•         Playing the bagpipes, even though I've sealed my fate to never be on the cover of Rolling           Stone in doing so.
•         Carving and sculpting.
•         Philosophy lectures, books, and discussions with friends.
•         Working with metal be it metal detecting, melting, casting, welding, whatever.
•         Fishing.
•        SCUBA
•        Star gazing.
•        Feeling out new ideas or interests just for the hell of it.
•        Quiet.
•        Spending time with my son.

What the hell!? Am I… Old!? Maybe just a little, but it's better, I promise. It's better because I'm smaller or, maybe a better way to put it is my needs are smaller. In retrospect, they've always been small, but I didn't have the compass to identify the difference between needing and wanting. But this new list, this list is allowed to shrink or expand whenever I decide. I've given myself the permission to chase out interests without any expectations attached. It's great. It can get a little expensive at times, but it's a totally liberating way to live. The mantra?

"The process of becoming, of submitting to the sheer vastness outside of my present understanding in order to have relationship with existence, is the joy."

Destinations are an illusion to anyone who has ever devoted themselves to any sort of understanding. The fullness of the understanding of any one thing would take a lifetime of devotion. For me, then, peace is in knowing that I am always becoming. This idea relieves me of the expectation that I should have to achieve some sort of metric to impress external observers. That's not to say that I am devoid of all expectation, but the power of expectation is softened by my acceptance of self juxtaposed against the rest of reality.

I should probably still go to work if I want to get paid. I should probably continue to use my abilities to provide for my family if I want to continue cultivating a deepening relationship with them. So in that sense, along with destination, obligation also becomes an illusion. What we would believe to be the fixed path known as "obligation" which is largely set by expectation, is in actuality the manifestation of opportunity met with either conscious or unconscious choice. That is the difference between my two lists. The first list was unconscious choice largely directed by fear and ego and a refusal to submit to tense sensations of stillness. The second list is more so built off of conscious choice as a result of not necessarily shrinking my ego, but redirecting it to engage in activities that are both the result of and lead to a better outward and inward understanding.

We might call this idea "confidence" but the image of confidence that comes to the collective mind is rarely humble, and I'm of the belief that anyone who is devoted to understanding has far too intimate a relationship with not knowing than would lead to a hypocritical demeanor of arrogance. On the other hand, it's easy to get frustrated with someone who, with little or no understanding of a concept, wants their opinion of that idea to be counted as equally legitimate to that of a person who has sacrificed tremendous time and ego to the truth of a thing. No, I think the real definition of confidence is knowing what decision to make next without anxiously weighing all of the details. It’s a type of calm control. I'm learning to be calm and in control by, odd as it sounds, being subject to this idea of life and being and consciousness that is far older and deeper than I.

So over the next several months, I'm going to attempt to write out these steps and missteps I'm taking to a more intimate relationship with my somewhat bumbling ego awake in this world. I'm going to reflect on my projects, on working with my hands, on general frustrations that seem harder than they should be, and on the evolution of my understanding through the observance of watching my son grow up in this world. Feel free to check in from time to time.